**BREAKING NEWS: NEW MUSIC TO NOW DEBUT ON FRIDAYS** Now to Doctor McNinja With His Nearly Unintellig Expose.

**WARNING: THESE ARE THE RAMBLINGS OF A VERY DISTURBED AND DERANGED MAN WHO IS TRYING HIS HARDEST TO EXPLAIN THAT MUSIC RELEASES HAVE OFFICIALLY MOVED TO FRIDAY'S INSTEAD OF THE STANDARD TUESDAY. PROCEED IF YOU DO NOT VALUE YOUR SANITY**

Since forever ago, people have loved listening to music. A little bit after that, we started putting that music on CDs so that we could hear it more than once. I think that was a pretty good decision. Now I don't get so bored when I'm driving around in my 2003 Chevy Malibu (photo enclosed below).

Yeah, that's right. I'm rolling with 2003 Chevy Malibu money. *actual 2003 chevy malibu experience may vary.

But there is a problem with recording music and putting it down on CDs.  It costs more than just playing the music out loud. They're easy to break and sometimes people steal them. I'm told the stealing part has something to do with computers, but every time someone brings up computers I call them a nerd and punch them in the face, and then they wont explain it to me anymore.

CDs are also really cool, too. Like that thing I told you about my bitchin' 2003 Chevy Malibu. Naturally, I started to build a pretty big CD collection. Like at least 4 or 5 of them. I've got Roy Orbison's "Greatest Hits" (all the cool kids are listening to it these days), The Best of Queen, The soundtrack to Captain Philips, and two copies of Owl City's "Ocean Eyes." My first copy broke after putting Firefly on repeat too many times.

I would have even more CDs, maybe even 7 or 8, but I can never figure out when new music comes out. I tried to go to Von's Records to see when that new Owl City album comes out, but this nerd named Tyler said he was going to look it up on the computer, and then I punched him and it turned into this whole thing where they escorted me out and told me I was drunk even though I only had like four beers. Anyway, after that mess, I heard some guy called Shifty talking about a blog post he just wrote. He was too far to punch, but he was talking about how new music is coming out on Friday's now. Apparently people were pirating CDs too much, so now the big record execs are putting out all music at the same time worldwide.

Pirating is a really confusing thing, I thought it was all guys with beards and peg legs and scurvy and wooden ships. But now a days, ships are metal and they don't shoot cannonballs anymore. Lame, right. But people still pirate. Especially in Somalia. Stealing CDs  must be pretty much most of their economy, because people are alway talking about them pirating. At least that's what Captain Philips told me. I really like that movie. The pirate guy was all "Hey guys, look! I'm Captain Philips." And then Captain Philips was like, "Nuh uh, I'm the oldest so I get to be Captain Philips! And then those Navy guys shot that pirate guy.

That's what would happen if you try to steal CDs. So instead you should go to Von's and try not to punch any of those nerds in the face. Make sure you pick up that new Owl City CD. I'm hoping it's Firefly for 12 tracks. I broke my repeat button in my 2003 Chevy Malibu, so that would make it so much easier for me. Oh, and tell them what you think about Captain Philips, my bitchin' 2003 Chevy Malibu, Owl City, and piracy.

Loves and Kisses,

Doctor McNinja

My Pal Jens (Or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Jens)

Oh, You're So Dreamy Jens

In the past year, I have fallen deeply and madly in love with my pal Jens. Oh Jens, who has been there for me when I have needed him most. Jens, who has held me in my weaker times and cheered me on in my better times. I am writing of course about the delightful Swedish singer, Jens Lekman.

At first, our relationship was tumultuous. He sang to me about not being able to love enough. I recoiled, as I had been burned before. He portrayed himself as flighty and impetuous. He couldn't promise love. He couldn't help himself. And I can't help myself when it comes to the sensitive emotional types. Sure he sang about Julie. And Lisa. And Nina...and Kirsten, Jennifer, Erica, and even Immanuel. Jens has a complicated past, but we can move past that.

Jens brings more than just heartache and indecision, his ballads bring adventure. He takes the dangerous black cabs in Sweden. He's politically active. Jens spends time with his little sister, even if it is to teach her about unstoppable sorrow. He knows how to turn a girl down and move on.  He writes me postcards every week. If I ever have a moral quandary, all I have to do is ask What Would Jens Do?  And if I ever need a stranger to sing at my wedding, Jens will have to pull double duty as stranger and groom. Basically, Jens is the complete package with a heart full of fire.

I must confess a slight ruse here. My passionate confession of my love for Jens is not entirely pure and honest. My feelings are of course, I mean who wouldn't feel this way about him? But I tell you these thoughts not just to get them off my chest but to persuade you. Jens is a native of Gothenberg. Sweden, and most of his performances take place in his home country, or elsewhere in Europe. Every few years he makes it over to America to share his gift with the New World. What I ask of you is to give him a little encouragement to visit stateside. Buy his cd's, his lp's, his ep's, and even his 7''. Buy a copy of  I Don't Know What Love Is or Night Falls Over Kortedala, or be riskier with his early material When I Said I Wanted To Be Your Dog or the Maple Leaves EP.  Luckily enough for you we have a wide selection here at Von's Records, and a staff that has mostly accepted his love. So come on down to Von's and return the favor to the Swedish dreamboat you surely now have a burning desire for.

Bonus Footage of Jens Actually Singing at a Wedding